


skeletons in the closet

by werkANGELICAwerk



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Love Poems, Prose Poem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:14:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28049814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/werkANGELICAwerk/pseuds/werkANGELICAwerk
Summary: a collection of poems taken from my samsung notes.
Comments: 1





	1. LOST

**Author's Note:**

> most of these poems are from when i was going through a rough time, hence the angsty-ness of them all lol. i am currently in the process of healing and posting my thoughts online anonymously felt like i was letting go of and moving on from that time when i was hurting. not like i know much about emotional healing and how it's supposed to be done but yeah...
> 
> if you happen to stumble upon this, i apologize for the cliche lines and for being edgy xD

You don't know what it feels like to get rejected by yourself.  
Looking at the mirror and not accepting what you see.  
No matter how many times you tell yourself, "it's okay to be different."  
It's always going to hurt that you are different.

Because no matter how far you run away, it will always catch up to you.  
No matter how hard you try to silence the voices, it will always be loud enough.  
It's the perfect paradox, you can't silence yourself.  
You spent so much time hiding away from everybody, yet you can't hide away from yourself.

Whenever something good comes knocking at your door, you always push it away.  
Because you feel undeserving, unworthy of happiness.  
And you're scared, terrified, anxious, that you're never going to experience what they call the greatest thing in life.  
You're scared because you know nobody will ever reciprocate the love you have for them.

But you know how to love, right?  
You know how to love.  
To give someone everything until they're spoiled rotten.  
To give someone a piece of you, of your heart and soul.

To give warm hugs and soft kisses and long cuddles.  
To write long love letters so that they will always know that you love them and you care for them.  
To learn a song on the guitar and play it to them on Valentine's day.  
To cook breakfast on a lazy Saturday morning and knowing how they like their eggs and coffee.

You'll give everything to someone you love.  
You'll give your everything, you'll sacrifice your everything.  
And you're afraid because once you give them your everything,  
They'll just stomp on your heart, spit in your soul, and throw you away like a piece of garbage.

Like you threw yourself away, because you reject yourself.  
You don't like what you see because your sight had been altered by what society thinks is acceptable and beautiful.  
And you did not fit in, didn't reach their expectations and standards.  
You became a prisoner of your own and everyone else's thoughts.


	2. rereborn

a house destroyed and rebuilt over and over

everyone has something that helps them sleep soundly at night. it may be a romantic relationship. a two-story house with white picket fence. a happy marriage. a college diploma. i don't usually envision these things. at the end of the day, after all the people are gone and asleep, i dream of a very simple thing. i dream of a house foundation. not a house, but its foundation. i don't even care what the house will look like, i just care about the strength of the foundation.

i want something that's going to withstand a lot of calamities. earthquakes. thunderstorms. flood. tsunamis. everything nature will bring it will not be moved or shaken. 

i am also very particular when it comes to building my foundation. and the only one i trust to do it is me. i am my own worker. i know every little detail in my blueprints, so i am the only one who has the right to make my dream possible. no one else should interfere as it is mine.

i started small and simple. going through the instructions to get it right. being careful for the amount of water and cement. the length of every steel rods must be precise.

but hey wouldn't it take a couple of years if i did it by myself? i didn't care at that time, i was certain that i would be the one who's going to create a masterpiece. sounds a lot for just a foundation but i don't care, it's mine. it may take a lot of years, i may tire, it can get exhausting and boring but i. don't. care. it's mine.

well, what about the neighbors, you ask? i thought about that too. once, i decided to have a look around my neighborhood. it's a nice neighborhood, actually. the people are nice, they usually come over to chat with me and ask if they can offer any help for my project. i always refuse, of course. i am certain that i could do it on my own. they always say that if i need them, they're just a call away. i keep that in mind, not that i'd be needing their help anyways. 

back to my neighborhood. again, it's nice. warm and welcoming. and as i look around, i noticed that their houses are massive. some are like castles. some have pillars and balconies, and stone pathways. some have double doors and stained glasses! i looked back at my land. 

one piece of information i forgot to mention was that. i am new to this neighborhood. i knew there were a lot of houses and nice people. i didn't care back then because i was so focused on building my foundation. i didn't care that there are houses made with gold. houses taller than a sequoia. and then i start getting excited.

i want that for me too. i want to build my own sequoia. my own castle. my own house. my own place. i started thinking of ways i could get my house built and done. i was ecstatic, now that i've seen what my neighbors could do with their own hands. i immediately finished my foundation, safely and surely. still with care and compassion. i had to get this house done. 

i started planning big. one idea after the other. combining ideas together to create something out of the ordinary. something i haven't seen in my life before. i was so hyped and excited, i couldn't help but decide that i would build it in a couple of months. i don't have time to plan this thoroughly, i wanted to have a house!

after a week of working alone, i started to get drained. i told you i was planning big. i am not even halfway of completing my house. heck, i think i barely scratched the surface of my blueprint. i was not done and i am already tired. the neighbors keep offering their help but i don't need it. i don't want them to have a credit on my masterpiece. this is my creation. this is my art.

i wanted to have a house so even when i am tired i keep pushing harder and keep working harder. i had to get this done. but there seems to be a problem. everytime i put up one of the walls, the next day, they come crashing down. no matter how many nails i've hammered, how much concrete blocks i use. they just keep crashing down. one after the other.

i started getting frustrated. people started asking questions. they seem to hear my failures through their shiny, tall, expensive houses. i am angry, frustrated, and annoyed. by everything. i hated it. i hate this. 

in the middle of the breaking down of walls i put. i sat down. i think to myself. 

How many times do I need to go under the waters?  
How much tears do I have to cry at night?  
How loud do you want my silent shouts to be?  
Why can't I get anything right?

I keep running and running and running  
And running and running and  
I'm tired  
Help me, save me, anything?

I'm too embarassed to show myself to you.  
I have done horrible things.  
I have proven myself unworthy and disgusting.  
Yet you still continue to chase after me, why?

Must you hurt yourself this badly?  
I am nothing. I am worthless.  
You deserve so much more than what I can give you.  
You deserve so much more and I can't seem to give you that.


	3. LOST

i desired to be tied down,  
but you gave me freedom.

instead of catching me,  
you taught me how to fly.

instead of hurting me,  
you made me save myself.

i was falling for you,  
and you gave me wings.


	4. j u n k i e

two years later, the story continues,  
i have forgotten my poems,  
i have forgotten my sketches,  
i have forgotten my creation.

but i havent forgotten you,  
the memories still remain.  
after months of convincing myself,  
i would never, again.

do i really have to go through this again?  
this imbalance of chemicals?  
avoiding eye contact,  
and proving myself to you?

things are too stubborn these days,  
you're like a stray asteroid,  
caught up in my solar system,  
and i want you out of my orbit.

here i go again,  
it's very tiring.  
watching myself fall,  
and ruin my constants.


	5. patterns

to be honest, it is sort of amusing. i should already know the answers. like a test i spent countless of nights studying on. it is very predictable like the drops of water of a broken faucet. the twists and turns of the streets of my home. yet. somehow. it became inevitable. 

i memorised my notes and studied them over and over and still i don't know what to answer. the drops of water but never called a plumber. the twists and turns but i don't know every bump. 

i try not to think too much. but thinking of trying not to think too much is too much. i want to follow the direction of the streams. the blow of the wind or the waves in the waters. but every touch is a toaster thrown in a bathtub.

a fire tried to douse with gasoline. the noise in a busy restaurant. it's annoying because it's there and it's unwanted. like a burglar on a quiet neighborhood. invasive. waiting and planning to steal.


	6. the something that was definitely there before

i picked up a pen and a paper,  
i wrote you love letters to read every morning when you wake up,  
i opened my heart out for you and you took it with so much care,  
and i never would have thought that you could love someone like me.

these are the lines i wish were true,  
i wish i could have written it on paper,  
so you'll believe how raw this feeling is for me and you,  
but i know i mean small to you.

somehow, i continued the story that was supposed to end two years ago,  
when it was clear that i was one of the long lists of your rejects.  
when it was clear that when i was pouring my heart out for you,   
you were clearly enticed with someone else.

"it's okay, i understand"  
"i don't know why i'm always thinking about you"  
"stop it, he doesn't care"  
"why am i still thinking about you?"

you have to know,  
there wasn't at least a day where your name didn't pop in mind,  
it's always you this, you that,  
even during the most random moment, i would think, "what if he's with me right now?"

if everyone was a mind reader, the whole city would know your name.


	7. all in my head

today, i dreamt of kissing you   
my heart cried so loud for your name it reached my dreams

He took me in his arms and sat me on his lap. He asked me stupid questions that made me doubt myself. He said, "Did you know that haircut also adds appeal to the looks of a girl?" This was in a dream. He hasn't seen me in real life. Yet, why are you saying things as if you know how I look? 

I answered, "Is it true?" because I didn't care if my hair was short or not, I was happy with how I look. I said to him, "I just wanted to see how I look with short hair." 

Just like that, he tightened his arms around me, held my face and put his lips on mine. I knew this was a dream, because I would never have confidence like this in real life. That was my first kiss, at least in a dream.

In my dreams, he took my first kiss. 

I didn't know what to do at first. I was shocked and for a moment, I wished all of this was true becase how could I ever make this happen in reality? 

As our lips touched, it was like as the books said, you just kind of go with the flow. I didn't care how bad I was at it. At that moment, I felt all my adoration for him and I poured it all into that kiss.

Because I know in real life, I don't even have the nerve to look him straight in the eyes. I don't even have the guts to confess my feelings.

In my dreams, we kissed. I was happy. At least for a moment, my dreams actually came true. It came true in my dreams. 

My dreams came true in my dreams.

Dreams. That's what it is. 

Nevermind if it was only a dream. That was the first time I felt that way. I was being held with love for the first time. I was being given attention to. My feelings were being reciprocated for the first time. 

How pitiful it is for someone like me. To hold on to something like this fake reality. 

But then again, for a moment, I felt alive and loved. 

In my dreams I was awake. I knew. While kissing him with my eyes shut, I knew I have absolutely no chance in real life. But at that moment, I didn't care about the consequences of my actions. I didn't care that we were explicitly and publicly displaying affection. I did not care that this was all in my head. That these were just dreams.

That moment felt so real I wish I could stay in there forever. 

In his love. In his arms. 

Of course, as far as dreams go, eventually we all wake up. That was, I think, the saddest part of it all. The waking up. 

Waking up means forgetting what you dreamt about. Waking up means accepting that what happened in your head will stay in your head forever. Waking up means swallowing the bitter truth that what you experienced was all a figment of your imagination. Imagination. That's what it all was. 

Just a trick of our brains. I don't know enough to speak about these things, but imagination is the cruelest of them all. 

I wish I didn't have to imagine. I wish I actually had someone to hold on to. I wish the one I like actually likes me back. I wish I had the confidence of dream me. I wish I knew how to fall in love and be loved.

I wish all of it was true.

Why did it have to happen only in my mind? Was I that desperate? Was I that hungry for love? For a relationship? Was that how much I missed him? How much I liked him? 

What did it imply? What did my dreams imply? Why did he appear in my dreams again? Only for me to wake up and swallow the bitter truth over and over.

He keeps on appearing in my dreams, I wish he also appeared in my life, the one that's real. The one that's not in my mind. The one that makes me feel less like a joke. The one that is gentle to my feelings.

I can't even blame him for all of these. I can't even blame his adoration for someone else. I can't even blame him for not reciprocating my feelings.

Everything I dreamt, everything I felt, falls on me. All of it was on me.


	8. God's Best

how does it feel to fall in love?  
is it easy the way others say it would be?  
how does it feel like to be in love?  
does it really make your heart beat twice as fast?

i want to feel like i'm in love  
i want to sing like i'm in love  
i want to live life as if i'm in love  
i want to feel like i am loved

how does it feel to be loved?  
is it really full of butterflies and warmth?  
quiet, intimate sunday mornings?  
loud, full of laughter dinner at night?

is it soft kisses on the forehead?  
hearing the sound of their steady breathing?  
eyes full of adoration and happiness?  
fumbling hands and hushed giggles?

cuddling on the couch and reading poems?  
walking together, tight arms around the waist?  
singing songs on the radio and music playlists?  
dancing to beat of our hearts?

if life gets brighter when you fall in love  
i want to live like i'm in love  
if life gets better when you are loved  
i want to live like i am loved

if this is what it feels like to be in love  
then i want to fall in love  
i want to hold someone's hand  
kiss them good night and whisper i love you's  
i want to give my all to someone who's mine


	9. c o s m o s

You deserve so much   
but i cannot   
give you the heavens

i cannot give you the galaxies  
for you already have them  
in your eyes

i cannot give you stars  
for they are the scattered  
freckles on your cheeks

i cannot give you the moon  
for you alone shine  
even in the darkest nights

i cannot give you the sun  
for it was already given to me  
in the form of you

i can only give you a little bit of me  
the broken, rejected piece of me  
and i am terrified  
you will just throw it away  
like i did


	10. ball pit

I watched you fall in love with her,  
Over and over again.

I watched myself falling,  
Into a pit of endless rage.

I know this,  
Everything seems so familiar.

The heavy breathing,  
The fast beating of the heart.

Everything is a white noise,  
My mind went blank.

You don't deserve this poem,  
You don't deserve my thoughts.


	11. c'est moi

What if the sharpest word she thought they were holding was actually held by her?  
How can she drown the others when she herself is caught in the current?  
She shows her scars and they run away,  
She shows her vulnerability and they wreck her,  
She shows her bravery and they say she's a coward,  
She sees the best in everyone but she sees the worst in herself,  
So she chose to hide away, to run away,  
Marching to the broken rhythm of the drum,  
And as rain fell down on her parade,   
It wiped away her hope, her security, her faith.


	12. help me take my medicine

A new prescription for every mistake,  
A new face to hide and to fake,  
new scar for every wrong move I make,  
And the confidence they always seem to take.

Tear stains on the bathroom floor,  
Hidden from the other side of the door,  
Ripped eyes from crying my heart out,  
Hurting myself in the form of a silent shout.

Everyone is blind, deaf, and numb  
They take what's offered to them and never dug too deep,  
Never asked how, never cared  
Never even noticed and never helped

As always the weak stuck behind  
I don't know why my hands are alaways tied  
Never experienced the taste of freedom and beauty  
Always lost in the darkness and in the light


	13. the lies behind the truth

it was a day like every other day  
nothing but the calm swaying of the trees  
the melancholic dance of the flowers  
sunshine reflecting on window panes

but the skies  
the clear blue skies  
what a horror they were today  
demanding to show its pain

first, it started off as sweet  
a wind like no other  
a refreshing strength  
a soothing weather

then, it started to thunder,  
the skies thrumming with electricity  
a color as dark as trenches  
a broken orchestra

hearts starting to drum  
lights flickering  
tears started to flow  
along with the raindrops

the trees resisted the wind  
its leaves lost grip  
the river overflowing  
painted the streets monochrome

yet, you question its ability  
underestimated its strength  
you were blinded  
by the calm before the storm

you were just a mere tree  
unaware of the intensity  
and i was the storm you enjoyed  
in your ignorance


	14. scarred

let's count the stars in the sky and tell me it doesn't equate to the tears i put in your eyes.  
the disgust i tattooed on your skin  
the scars i etched into your heart  
and the pain i mended to your soul

in my ignorance, you chose to understand me  
you chose to put a smile on your face  
you chose to keep quiet  
than to set me on fire with the truth

i didn't understand.  
i will never understand  
what you've been through, how you coped  
what you're thinking, feeling, expressing

i don't understand the way i think  
i don't know the reason behind my facade  
i don't think i can stop myself from failing  
i don't and i can't help it

i am a coward and a fool  
maybe


	15. aftermath

look, look around you  
don't you see the beauty  
the beauty of destruction  
yet, you were stubborn


	16. every.thing.

every walk  
is a step of shame

every mirror  
is another stain

every thought  
is another scar

every word  
is another feet down

every minute  
is a minute of regret

every fight  
is a battle lost

every flaw  
is a reason to hate

every mistake  
is a new pill to take

everything  
hurts.


	17. Identity

Stared at the mirror long enough to forget that it was my reflection  
For a second, I was looking at a stranger's face   
A foreign figure, anything but mine


	18. kid again

oh how amazing it is to feel your feet off the ground again  
to fly without wings,  
to cry without tears,  
to scream without a sound.


	19. bubbles

Have you ever seen something so  
enticing

Like it deprives you of your consciousness  
then it leaves you   
astounded

Like it makes you go  
still

It messes with your mind until   
you question your own  
sanity

It seems impossible, yet  
it's true

It lasted for a moment then   
it is gone like  
bubbles


	20. restart game?

The problem with you, is that, you care more about what people say about you than what is the truth,  
When the majority of people goes against you,  
You suddenly curl in on yourself, you suddenly question your knowledge,  
You become vulnerable as they take down the familiarity of what you grew up with.

And then you started to believe the lies they say to you,   
Lies that made you uncomfortable in your own skin,  
Lies that made you want to hit the end game button,  
Lies that made you loose and insane.


	21. midnight serenity

There is something about the serenity of late night driving,  
How the harsh lights of the city blends with darkness of the night,  
You quickly pull out your camera to capture the beauty,  
Then you realized, you missed to appreciate the art becasue you're too busy focusing the lenses of your camera

Why not put your phone or whatever device you are using, down  
Take time to appreciate the realness right in front of you  
Because a couple of megabytes won't capture the beauty of darkness  
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and take whatever you're given

Then you will realize, one day, you're gonna have to delete pictures   
That piece of memory gone within a second,  
Now, i'm not saying that capturing moments is bad,  
My point is, take a break from technology, just for a second.

Take it in, take it all in.  
The people, the places, even every bump in the road.  
Don't ever stop thinking, let your mind wander.  
Let your mind take you to places as the traffic flows through

What amazes me the most is that, late night driving is like a key that unlocks my poetic side,  
Put your headphones on, play music on shuffle,  
Write down all the things that make you feel and think,  
Don't limit yourself, exlore your mind and you will see that it is beautiful.


End file.
